I'm sure I'm not guilty of it. Do I want to be happy in this life? It would be nice. Do I want my children to be happy? Of course I do. Do I go out of my way to seek pleasure? Absolutely not.
I received a comment on my blog the other day that I did not publish. (Remember a while back I wrote a disclaimer about publishing "anonymous" comments? Well, I sometimes do if they're nice)! Anyway, this person was criticizing me for spending $139 on a Mystic Aquarium membership and for taking my children out to dinner on their birthdays.
Well, I distinctly wrote that we got free passes when Ian opened a bank account a few months back. I said that I thought it was interesting that the aquarium offered single-parent family passes, as I had never seen that before. As I had to drive to a birthday party in the same town (where we all were served a very nice dinner, which was well worth the gas) I figured that day would be a good day to use our passes.
As for birthdays: parties are expensive. We alone, out of sheer size, make a party. Providing food for everyone's friends 11 times a year is overwhelming. Never mind cake, activities, goody bags, etc. So far this year, we have had three birthdays. I took Cassidy out for sushi with a gift card I received for Christmas. I took Ian to Justin's restaurant. First 2 birthday dinners: $0. Brandon picked a small Indian place which didn't even have a liquor license. We had dessert at home. So for 3 children I spent $40. In the grand scheme of things, maybe that is self-indulgent and irresponsible of me. How dare I accept food stamps when I actually dare to give my children some quality time and a remembrance of the day they were born? Anonymous, who wrote they were "shaking their head in disbelief" over how I could be so foolish, don't read my blog if I offend you so much.
You wrote that you were a SAHM worrying about retirement and college. Well, I assume that means you have a husband, who has an income. I don't worry about college and retirement. I worry about toilet paper and gas. I worry about shampoo and kids' feet growing. But gosh-darnit, I am not going to let my kids go through this vale of tears life not having a birthday, or ever being able to have an excursion outside of this house. Foolish, maybe. Do I feel guilty? Nope.
Yes, I get food stamps. $600/month to feed 11 people. Yes, I get state insurance. Support enforcement has tried for 5 years to get someone to cover the children. Never has. And on top of that, it has been 40 days since a penny of child support has been paid. Support enforcement is not doing a bloody thing about it, either. Of course, I've called.
In the mean time, aside from cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and clothes, homeschooling, and basically raising a multitude of children, I have been applying for any and every job I can. I applied and was accepted as a tutor. I spent a great deal of time being certified in English Literature, grammar, spelling, phonics, reading, and proofreading. For the past month, all of the jobs in my area have been for math, chemistry, and physics. I applied to be an elderly caregiver. I applied at the grocery store.
Someone suggested that if it is so bad around here, I should move where it's cheaper to live and where there are more jobs. Where's that? How do I move 11 people with no where to go and nothing to do when I get there? How do I get a job that pays enough to provide food, clothing, and shelter with benefits, for all of us, when the last job I had paid $300/week and it is the only job experience I've had in 20+ years?!
Sorry for the rant, and sorry for being so defensive, but my children go without A LOT. They deserve a little happiness. Hedonism is out of our reach.
You are very frugal with your money and I think its a great idea to take the kids out to eat I agree a party would have been way more expensive especially because you had giftcards. I follow your blog and your in my prayers I remember your family at Mass every sunday and I think you are pretty amazing with all you have been through. Those birthdays are memories to last a lifetime which is a gift in itself to your children. God bless you and your family!
ReplyDelete:( That was not nice. I hope that person has a little extra cake on their own birthday. Sounds to me like someone could use some sweetening up...
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful, resourceful mom, and I think that's obvious just in the short time I've been reading your blog! Unfortunately, at times, people feel that the internet gives them a free pass to snark on whatever catches their eye without backlash, because they can do it without consequence and under anonymity. Your kids most certainly deserve those sweet little bits of happiness and recognition on their special days!
ReplyDeleteI say who cares what "anonymous" says!! There are very few people, if any, who could understand what it is you go through. I read your blog because I find it both amazing and incredibly uplifting. You will look back on this time with fond memories and children who grew up knowing the value of things. Real things. My parents were teachers and didn't make a lot of money but some of my best memories were of camping and hiking and day trips to the Boston aquarium (from Maine). Things that didn't cost much at all. I can't wait until there is a time where you can afford to focus not so much on feeding your children, but your own well being. Until then, you have nothing to worry about where other people's opinions are concerned.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you had to go through that. :( For what it's worth, from someone who's been through a good bit in life myself, I think you live such a penitential life already and nobody could possibly know the strength it takes to do what you do.
ReplyDeletePrayers~
Kelly
There is always someone who is quick to judge...quick to criticize and quick to tell you how to live your life. I think that you are doing a wonderful job. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteDon't know why the noter was so snarky. Some people are foolish enough to think they actually know what is best for someone else's life. They come from a place of ignorance, and it's best if we just pray for them. You are a good mother, and your children deserve the best you can give them. Take care, and God bless you and your children. Anna VanSant
ReplyDeleteThe major thing I hated about being poor, was that people had this sense of entitlement when it came to having opinions on judging how and where I spent my money. They always had lots of vague, unhelpful advice, but didn't offer any practical help. What they didn't see was the extra sacrifices I did to be able to swing a little treat now and then, so that my kids wouldn't look back and feel deprived throughout their whole childhood. I wasn't a partier or a drinker, we bought second hand or made our own clothes, and did without a lot of things....but pay for one treat, and suddenly you're considered irresponsible??? I finally realized that if after prayer, I felt that I could stand in front of our Lord with the purchase and not feel guilty, then it was alright for it was only His judgement that mattered. I was thankful to have a few good and helpful friends during that time, for they really made a difference to me and my family.
ReplyDeleteKate Waller
(P.S. I'm signing in as anonymous, because I can't remember my google password).
Sending hugs! You are doing the best you can with what you are giving. Stand strong and keep fighting the good fight.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time during my childhood of about four years or so when my family was extremely poor. My dad had been in and out of work. When he was working, he had commission only jobs which equated to not even minimum wage.
ReplyDeleteMy parents were extremely depressed. My mother was just depressed- and angry. My father felt he'd failed as a provider and therefore as a man, too.
My dad eventually got a halfway decent job and my family had a slow comeback. (Of course he was again in and out of work and eventually died, leaving my mom with a lot of debt. When he died, the light was really just shining through the end of that tunnel, too.)
Have you ever read the book Sins of Parents by Father Doyle? The basic concept is that parents' sins, whether by omission or commission, affect a family for three generations. I have seen this in certain other areas, but I'd lie to you if my parents' poverty-caused depression doesn't affect my sister and I this very moment, 20 years later.
When I read about how your family celebrates a birthday or a church feast day, I always think it's wonderful. I always think, wow, here is Kristen, not turning her poverty into a depression. Not only does she not have the support and encouragement of her husband, he is a downright hindrance (to say the least).
I really do always think how wonderful it is that you find a way to make things special for your children in spite of the situations you are in.
I maybe should have told you this before. I do hope it encourages you. I've been following your blog for a while. I 'feel' like I know you, even though we've never met and we live so far away.
Keep up the good work in keeping these special moments special, in spite of everything. Your children and grandchildren will thank you tenfold.
Laura in Colorado
P.S. Do you think it's possible that 'Anonymous' was your husband or one of his cronies?
ReplyDeleteLaura in Colorado
No, I don't think it was him. His usual IP address and town weren't anywhere on my list. Unless he moved out of state again. That would be glorious!
DeleteOr unless he's using someone else's computer. Or a library computer.
DeleteI initially thought the same thing, that it must be him because it's a fairly small-minded thing to say to someone. It should be obvious to even a casual reader of the blog that you're already sacrificing whatever you can in order to make things work.
Hugs, Kristen.
ReplyDeleteI've been stewing over this mean Anonymous person.
The reason that I thought it may be your husband is that he must be miserable. Through his own actions, he has lost his beautiful wife and children.
I also think that your husband is a control freak. I've dealt with some abusive men myself when I was single. It must drive your husband absolutely nuts that he pulls this stunt and that stunt (which he shouldn't get away with legally) and you still do all these special things with your children. He's not able to control you in this area, despite all his trying. Good for you for not letting him win there.
When you do things like go to the aquarium, it must anger your husband. He's not able to control you and it's one more good thing that he's missed out on by his own sins. By you doing these fun things, you are actually fighting back at him and winning. Because the courts have been so horrible to you, this may be the only way that you can.
So keep all of these things up, for that reason alone.
I'm on your side. I can't imagine all that your family has been through. For what it's worth, I'm sending more hugs.
Laura in Colorado (Again)
I love the idea about having a special birthday dinner- since I have a smaller family, I can rotate more frequently- it is nice to sometimes have special one on one time with mom
ReplyDeleteand BOO to the anonymous anonymous!
You can always trust a jerk to be a jerk. Even though it might feel like a kick to the gut, disregard "anonymous". Remember, Judas accused Mary Magdalen of being wasteful and indulgent when she annointed Christ's feet....
ReplyDeletecarriekwi (no google account)